I feel like it's ABSOLUTLY impossible for him to ever just tell me things the way they happened. To be honest with me, I don't have any secrets, I don't have any desire to betray his trust, and even more so it pains me to think of doing things that would hurt him. Yet for some reason I feel like he gets off to all the things that break me down, in lies, and going behind my back. Craigslist cost me one relationship, I wonder if it'll go as far to cost my son a father. And how I wish someone would explain to me what these girls did for him that made it so impossible for him not to acquire and wonder about them.
I don't fucking get it, I feel like this relationship is going nowhere for in his head he's so CONVINCED he'd be better off with anyone but me.
Sometimes it feels like history repeating itself, me and Chris failed because I hated how he couldn't ever be happy with me and what I had to offer and it feels as though I'm in the same boat. Destined to end up in the same heartbreak.. With the same, 'it's too hard to be faithful' mentality driving the boat. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
The desicion to be made.
In just 11 weeks we will greet our beautiful creation into the world, he will take his first birth and we'll take our last of our old lives.
I just want to know that me staying here with Ramiro is in fact the right thing to do, I know the struggle that will occur if I try to leave and the fight that will surely take place, and the very real possibility of history repeating itself from the former generation.
I just wish I could fast forward and know if he'll ever really love me, and open up to me. If he'll ever be okay with being faithful, and loyal, and settling down.
If he'll ever think of me as highly as he thought of her.
But I know better, I know the answer to that, and I'm holding on to such silly hopes.
I am going to end it whenever he gets home.
I have to safe guard myself and my son, and love later.
It kills me to say goodbye, I love him more than I loved Chris, more than I loved anyone. More than everything, he was the half of my puzzle. But why hold on to what was never really mine.
I just want to know that me staying here with Ramiro is in fact the right thing to do, I know the struggle that will occur if I try to leave and the fight that will surely take place, and the very real possibility of history repeating itself from the former generation.
I just wish I could fast forward and know if he'll ever really love me, and open up to me. If he'll ever be okay with being faithful, and loyal, and settling down.
If he'll ever think of me as highly as he thought of her.
But I know better, I know the answer to that, and I'm holding on to such silly hopes.
I am going to end it whenever he gets home.
I have to safe guard myself and my son, and love later.
It kills me to say goodbye, I love him more than I loved Chris, more than I loved anyone. More than everything, he was the half of my puzzle. But why hold on to what was never really mine.
Where to start..
I guess there is no real beginning unless you want to venture back to my parents' ill conceived notion that another child might serve as some sort of Band-Aid to a failing marriage.
So we'll just start from now, twenty years after my conception, and just a matter of 11 weeks before the birth of my own son, Em.
It's been one of the craziest, more trying, hard breaking journey up until this point. As much as I hate to say it, I'm almost certain that the trials have only really just begun.
Love and lives lost, families distanced by miles and unspoken resentments, pain dealt with in all the wrong ways.
I have a new family. A son, a precious soul that I swear to devote my life to. He's not even born and he's given me so much joy and purpose, and has taught me so terribly much. He's made me grow, and carried me through some of my hardest nights. He's taught me to love after loss, and to put someone so entirely above myself, and I'd do anything for him. Including giving up any chance to truly be loved and cherished the way my heart yearns for, for there is a chance his father may never unlock his heart for us. It's so trying to invest more in others than they are willing to return, to offer up your heart, to play with dangerous emotions, to deal in love. But we've done it, and we will do so until all hope of ever being a genuinely happy family has evaporated. It's such a lonely existence, to be home in the silence and in the struggles of pregnancy waiting for company that never comes. Waiting for excitement that's never felt, waiting to please someone who won't be pleased. Whether I do it all, or nothing at all the same disappointment lingers in the air, threatening to break my spirit. Perhaps some people just are born and exist entirely without the love of others, constantly seeking reassurance that may never be found. My son, my baby boy will NEVER in his entire life feel like he doesn't have someone who genuinely and whole heartedly loves him; or atleast not as long as I live. Every breath I take will be for him. I will always keep him as safe as I can possibly manage, and as attended to as situations call for.
I will do everything in my power to be as selfless as possible, and to give him the best life that I can. If my biggest accomplishment in life is raising Emmett Taylor than I have lived a fulfilling life.
I am waiting as patiently as possible to see what if anything happens whenever our son is born into this world. Whether his existence in the world changes his fathers resentments towards the settled life, and somehow the wait has become all but unbearable. The fact I've spent so long being made to feel like a mistake when I should have been cherished makes it hard to allow for my baby boy whom I loved from the beginning give someone who wasn't loving a chance.
So we'll just start from now, twenty years after my conception, and just a matter of 11 weeks before the birth of my own son, Em.
It's been one of the craziest, more trying, hard breaking journey up until this point. As much as I hate to say it, I'm almost certain that the trials have only really just begun.
Love and lives lost, families distanced by miles and unspoken resentments, pain dealt with in all the wrong ways.
I have a new family. A son, a precious soul that I swear to devote my life to. He's not even born and he's given me so much joy and purpose, and has taught me so terribly much. He's made me grow, and carried me through some of my hardest nights. He's taught me to love after loss, and to put someone so entirely above myself, and I'd do anything for him. Including giving up any chance to truly be loved and cherished the way my heart yearns for, for there is a chance his father may never unlock his heart for us. It's so trying to invest more in others than they are willing to return, to offer up your heart, to play with dangerous emotions, to deal in love. But we've done it, and we will do so until all hope of ever being a genuinely happy family has evaporated. It's such a lonely existence, to be home in the silence and in the struggles of pregnancy waiting for company that never comes. Waiting for excitement that's never felt, waiting to please someone who won't be pleased. Whether I do it all, or nothing at all the same disappointment lingers in the air, threatening to break my spirit. Perhaps some people just are born and exist entirely without the love of others, constantly seeking reassurance that may never be found. My son, my baby boy will NEVER in his entire life feel like he doesn't have someone who genuinely and whole heartedly loves him; or atleast not as long as I live. Every breath I take will be for him. I will always keep him as safe as I can possibly manage, and as attended to as situations call for.
I will do everything in my power to be as selfless as possible, and to give him the best life that I can. If my biggest accomplishment in life is raising Emmett Taylor than I have lived a fulfilling life.
I am waiting as patiently as possible to see what if anything happens whenever our son is born into this world. Whether his existence in the world changes his fathers resentments towards the settled life, and somehow the wait has become all but unbearable. The fact I've spent so long being made to feel like a mistake when I should have been cherished makes it hard to allow for my baby boy whom I loved from the beginning give someone who wasn't loving a chance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)