Where to start..

I guess there is no real beginning unless you want to venture back to my parents' ill conceived notion that another child might serve as some sort of Band-Aid to a failing marriage.
So we'll just start from now, twenty years after my conception, and just a matter of 11 weeks before the birth of my own son, Em.
It's been one of the craziest, more trying, hard breaking journey up until this point. As much as I hate to say it, I'm almost certain that the trials have only really just begun.
Love and lives lost, families distanced by miles and unspoken resentments, pain dealt with in all the wrong ways.

I have a new family. A son, a precious soul that I swear to devote my life to. He's not even born and he's given me so much joy and purpose, and has taught me so terribly much. He's made me grow, and carried me through some of my hardest nights. He's taught me to love after loss, and to put someone so entirely above myself, and I'd do anything for him. Including giving up any chance to truly be loved and cherished the way my heart yearns for, for there is a chance his father may never unlock his heart for us. It's so trying to invest more in others than they are willing to return, to offer up your heart, to play with dangerous emotions, to deal in love. But we've done it, and we will do so until all hope of ever being a genuinely happy family has evaporated. It's such a lonely existence, to be home in the silence and in the struggles of pregnancy waiting for company that never comes. Waiting for excitement that's never felt, waiting to please someone who won't be pleased. Whether I do it all, or nothing at all the same disappointment lingers in the air, threatening to break my spirit. Perhaps some people just are born and exist entirely without the love of others, constantly seeking reassurance that may never be found. My son, my baby boy will NEVER in his entire life feel like he doesn't have someone who genuinely and whole heartedly loves him; or atleast not as long as I live. Every breath I take will be for him. I will always keep him as safe as I can possibly manage, and as attended to as situations call for.
I will do everything in my power to be as selfless as possible, and to give him the best life that I can. If my biggest accomplishment in life is raising Emmett Taylor than I have lived a fulfilling life.

I am waiting as patiently as possible to see what if anything happens whenever our son is born into this world. Whether his existence in the world changes his fathers resentments towards the settled life, and somehow the wait has become all but unbearable. The fact I've spent so long being made to feel like a mistake when I should have been cherished makes it hard to allow for my baby boy whom I loved from the beginning give someone who wasn't loving a chance.